The cost of low self-esteem

I think I've come to the realisation of my own self-esteem being really low, actually concerningly low. My expectations of a lot of things don't make sense, yet I think it is tolerable and acceptable to be treated in unpleasant ways, and then act surprised when I do get treated the way I had already expected them to treat me. In the end, I blame this all on low self-esteem and not knowing my own true value. I think now more than ever, I know myself well and true, but I don't think I've mastered differentiating someone toxic and someone real. Mastering this obviously takes experience, but what if I am not here for the experience. what if, I just want to know from the start whether it's a hit or miss. I think I've grown tired of putting up with relationships and friendships with no fruition or progress, it's like I'm always just waiting for the departure date of a flight, I knowingly booked for them, I can't blame this entirely on them, but I think it's difficult navigating a world or a generation where everything is all half-*ss, no one gives fully, or loves fully, or understands fully. All dry. No substance. It's actually sad. 

I can truthfully say though, that I do have a trusted group of friends I love and still keep in contact with every now and then, but I sort of made my way out as a means to fully understand the peripherals of my own world. Sometimes it's important to do this, but not at the cost that you discern their love for you. Thus, the difficulties of making your way back will be really hard, and almost unfathomable sometimes. That it feels too late to kindle something as such. 

People always say it's not about the destination, but the journey. Well then, what if I don't want the journey? What if I just want the final product, the real deal, does this come from years of suppressing myself to be compliant with others and never myself, Yes! Not having the patience anymore, Yes! Do I not deserve the immediacy of something like this ever happening to me? Maybe? It's odd cause I have a tendency to do the absolute most, always over-doing things, giving so much, going beyond, and being content with receiving the bare minimum. I accept the leftovers, and that's still GOLD to me. As a result of being this way, it has drained me so much of my own self-authenticity that I don't even recognize who I've become, and how I've gotten into the situations I do get myself into. That brings me back to a time when I felt like transparency was important and was valued by people in relationships; and now that I thoroughly think about it for the fifth time, it's actually bs, transparency matters to those who actually care about you, who genuinely want to know what you think and care about, because while transparency can be valued to that degree no one actually cares, until they know you care that much for them, only when it serves them. You are not special, and I think once you get out of that mindset, you will actually realise that people exist beyond you, you will see how different you are in comparison to others, which is great because we're all unique blah blah blah, but all your problems, issues, joy and success don't really matter in the grand scheme of things, but they do matter to "you", they make sense to you, which is what makes you special, because all of these things are only yours, and only you will see and feel the peak and the pit of it all. 

The cost of having low self-esteem will have you thinking that your boyfriend sending you a good 4-5 sentences a day is love and that him taking two minutes out of his day to message a bunch of meaningless words to a point you made yesterday about communication, where he once said before was insane, but was actually needed. First of all, GET OUT!! How are you going to condone the actual bare minimum, I know angels shed a tear when my girls are out here doing this. God forbid! Many moons ago, when I was fresh out of high school, I remember being in a situation where I knew I was being cheated on, and I sort of let it continue for a few months, I have this odd complex where I don't want to be the one carrying the guilt of knowing I gave up on something, or that I was defeated in outlasting them, very top tier character development of me, but after they had ended it, I gained no satisfaction from it, I wanted to be the villain in this story, and they robbed me of my grand moment. Then I realised it was never about being in love or relationships, but that I enjoyed proving a point, proving I could keep composed despite knowing what they had already done. And then planned the confrontation part, but I never got to that part and felt robbed of my limelight. 

I have girlfriends who are literal 10s 10s 10s, and nothing rubs me the wrong way more than finding out they've been compliant to obvious toxic behaviour from a boy who took her out once and is now calling him "my man, my man", SO DELULU BABES he's a boy, not a MAN! This boy took you to Dennys at 2am and is now asking you of your greatness, in the end, you end up giving him what he wanted, and then he ghosts you every other day, then unofficially breaks up with you, cause he wants to focus on himself, but really he just has too much time, and is probably talking to the next delusion baddie. See this is the issue with following this pattern, you never end up giving the nice guy a chance, cause GOOD MEN do exist, it's just you crave the satisfaction of chasing someone you can't attain, and now the nice guy who actually cares and genuinely likes you is left thinking he has no chance. And then the nice guy never wants to get into anything too deep until they are 101% certain. Because again, you suffer from low self-esteem.